October 30th, 2009
As spiritual and fantasy driven as I am, I really don't have a strong concept of fate. Unless it's within the bounds of incredibly heroic acts, or saving the world with a group of your friends. I chalk it up to my overly cynical hat that I don when fate is often only slung around in romantic comedies. Yes, it was fate that the two of them met at a hot dog stand, and then later she ended up being interviewed by him as a last chance effort to follow her dreams. (Looking right at you Confessions of a Shopaholic.) Yet I find it highly believable, and even unarguable, that it is FATE that the boy born with a lightning bolt scar will save the wizarding world. Because scars and birthmarks are canon examples of a hero in training.
My mother is a huge proponent and avid fan of fate. Especially in the romantic terms. And especially when it comes to me. I used to find it awkward because she didn't seem to have the same fanatical behavior towards my other siblings love lives. Yet I am the interesting , romantic novel-esque daughter for her to wonder about, with my relations that I can count on three fingers.
With that being said, my mom clipped out and gave me the following horoscope that was in the newspaper. Just any old horoscope, that can apply to any other Pisces, but my mom zeroed in on it and had to show it to me.
Now, I went into my secret lair and brooded about this last night. There's only been three guys that I've dated seriously, and each of them were incredibly problematic for me. Too cold, too boring, too much of a cheater, too possessive. Granted, everyone has their weird quirks that come out when interacting amongst another person in the alchemy known as a relationship. But each of my ex-boyfriends have always received a second chance, more or less, but the second time around was never serious and was more of a "I need you because I'm lonely" deal.Pisces (Feb 19- March 20)
You might feel like you're done with a certain person. But you've felt this way before, only to make amends down the road. Difficult as they can be, we are just meant to be with some people. Assume there's a good reason.
So, I dusted off this horoscope business about fate, and went to bed.
I get a text message at 5 o'clock in the morning. It's from my ex-boyfriend Bryan. I immediately thought of the horoscope. Oh my god don't freak out.
A little backstory about Bryan: He and I dated 3yrs, lived together, had a kicking sweet time together, and then we exploded because he cheated. With two different girls. And then he got cheated on by the one he chose over me. Following her cheating on him, he lost his job, had to go to court, and all of this occured on my birthday. That is why you don't fuck with V -- because karma has my back. We're homies! It took me about a year, but I tried to remain on friendly terms with him. As in: not ignoring him. We even hung out afterwards, and even did some ex-sex, because I really did miss him a lot. Inevitably, I got angry at myself for feeling this way about him, especially with everything he did to me, and so I drifted away.
Anyway, he texts me because I had sent him a birthday card a very long time ago, and he just NOW got it. The hand of fate at work?
He said he loved it, and that he missed me, and if he and I could talk again. Bryan is currently living across the country from me. I was actually happy he and I talked for that brief little bit in the early morning, but I don't know what to make of it.
I told my mom about what happened, and (not so surprisingly) she was a huge cheerleader about Bryan and I. She hated what he did, especially with his cold feet and wandering eye, but my mom is crazy about fate. I'll admit that I'll always have a soft spot towards Bryan, because he was my very first serious boyfriend, and we weathered a lot of storms together and came out victorous. But it was wrong what he did, and how he treated me, and especially how I allowed myself to be treated because I thought I loved him and maybe he'd see that.
I'm conflicted with this fate thing towards Bryan and I over two things. First being that I understand how everything is a wheel, and as we grow older, we want what's familiar to us and rely on our old friends. But on the other hand, he's across the country and we're both so young, and this is about the time that most people find the one. I just don't want to settle, especially with so much unresolved between Bryan and I.
Plus he's kind of goofy looking, and I don't want to have kids with someone that's not of a Spartan like gene pool.
October 28th, 2009
Here's a bit of a dorky analogy for you to understand how my week is shaping up:
I was playing this game called Okami. I won't go into details, since it's far more amusing to confuse you with the fact that you're the Sun God in the form of a wolf with a magical calligraphy brush, and you draw elements and trees to aid you in battle. It's also set in a rural and fictional universe encompassing Japan and Nippon. At some point in the game, you get an option to ferry people along on a canal using lily pads and the wind. You have to be careful, though, because there's whirlpools that will spin you and your ward around, and it'll even knock you off of the lily pad ontop of wasting time.
The point I'm making here is I felt I was in a whirlpool for a very long time, and I just now came out of it. I fell victim to the old adage that if you don't learn from the past, you're doomed to repeat it. The thing I didn't learn was that you should never give second chances to unreliable people because it totally blew up in my face. Like my date last night. (Okay, that's not true) But said Boy that I was pining for decided to do what I feared the most. Well, scratch that. What I'm fearful of -- and prepared for -- was him turning into a zombie. But he decided to do the whole "It's not you, it's me" routine and then break up with me.
It's normally in my self esteem boundaries to believe that it is me, but it's not. Every single relationship The boy has been in usually involves him running away, or ruining it, or some girl cheating on him, and I was just another notch on the totem pole. Although I'd like to think I'm the best. I even told him he was making a huge mistake, because I really doubt he'll find someone as awesome as I am. (I'm allowed to toot my own horn.)
As I grow older and wiser and hotter (What?), I find that the best way to change and grow is through people. The Boy doesn't seem to have learned that lesson and ploughs ahead either by himself, or with selfish people clinging to him. I wash my hands of it!
I'm aware that I have a tendency to don beer goggles or whatever (rose colored glasses? feh) when it comes to love. In this case, I can't even harbor any soft feelings towards him now that we're parted.
So, thusly begins my website mongering again. Complaining about a dude. But it's been about the biggest thing that's occured to me in awhile, especially since I am usually awkward and uninterested in other people's lives. My hero Solid Snake said it best: "Other people just complicate my life." It doesn't mean I'm not without empathy -- I cry during movies and books -- but people are just way too much energy and are time consuming sometimes.
Man, I sound like a robot! Next I'll be looking for John Conner.
I've been so out of the loop of websites, though. I used to have a huge crowd of bookmarks of friends, and almost all of them are gone or on indefinite hiatus. It's actually kind of sad now that I look at it. I still keep up with Vixx, and I stalk Rebeccah on a daily basis. But they're the only ones left. I can understand -- I'm basically at an entirely new domain, and shunned the onset of blogging because I thought it was boring. Look at me being a poseur.
I guess it won't be too bad to lurk around and find new people to get in a circle with, but I'm so gosh darn picky! I used to rely on people coming to ME! But to make a name, I got to give out a name.
October 25th, 2009
I haven't written a journal entry since 2007. In the past, when I was more well known around these parts (I mean the internet), I would agonize over what to write about. It seemed while I attended school that I had no time at all to do anything with my website, and it fell into a coma and then succumbed to its death. Now that I'm out of school, that feeling is entirely vacant from my life. I feel boring and like maintaining a journal will cause me to be incredibly critical and generally confused while I try to not only think about me, but also attempt to make sense to any poor reader who stumbles into this hot mess.
But, much like being the center of an intervention -- I think this journal will do me some good. Rather than being critical, and the antagonist to my own story, maybe I can earn an opportunity to talk and actually look at details in my life that I can't see because I'm standing too close.
It's not like I have a lot of fuss going on in my life, in all honesty. I don't have a steady full time job. For once, I'll shake my fist at the economy when I can't even get a retail job that is below my standards, although I still do possess standards. I still won't work around food, or be a photographer at the local mall who has to do the cheesy family portraits. I know beggers shan't be choosers, but I have a safety net (my mom), and I'm not going to do any of the above as god as my witness. Do you want to know how bad my anxiety is about becoming a waitress? I have stress dreams about waiting food, and messing orders up, and having people angry at me because humanity turns into savages if they have to have a table by the door.
I'm not dating anyone, although I do a really good job of longing from a distance. In the shadows. If there was a facebook status to reflect "in a relationship", mine would be "is currently stalking". In fact, I just gave a happy birthday declaration on facebook to the boy that I've been pining for, who has effectively turned to ignoring me these past few days.
This is where I'm trying not to panic, but I've effectively put it into perspective. It has to do with the fact that I, myself, tend to stray but I always do come back eventually. I know it reads incredibly stupid that I'm even the slightest bit anxious about The boy that I'm proverbialy waving a hand at, but it didn't help that he said he wanted to start dating me. Then commenced Operation Cold Shoulder three weeks into this endeavor.
Although in his case, I believe it boils down to the fact that he has a lot going on in his life and I shouldn't get use to our conversations that can last hours, because nobody can sustain that every single day. See, there I go again. Being incredibly realistic, although it still hurts. I'd go down the route of envy as I wish I could be so self assured like my girlfriends are, but they are in commited relations with other people so that argument is invalid. Roar!
I don't know how well I'll keep up with this. If maintaining a journal is anything like feeding fish, then I am proper fucked, let me just tell you. I'm not going to allow comments, either, because then I'll succumb into the waiting game of seeing if anyone has read my twaddling. That is a personal hell that I won't visit again. In fact, I'm force feeding ignorance to the point that I'm not even purchasing a domain this time, because then I'll just watch the stats and be sad when I only get 2 visits a month -- and that's from me and my mom. Who, admittingly, is my biggest fan (read: editor). Hey, I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my safety net.
Being hosted is just a better option for me. I'm a great hostee! Unlike renting, where I'll leave the evicted premises a straight up mess (True story!), I have a tendency to be a bit more relaxed when it's not on my shoulders. I even send birthday wishes and read journal entires because I'm curious about other people's lives. Until it becomes the same monotony about school, or being lonely, because that's a big "Been there, done that". Or maybe this will be a self fulfilling prophecy of impeding boredom. See, there I go again!
Short Stories
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My Weekend Starts Early
Saving The Universe Jesus Drives an Echo |
I Am Batman Cats vs. Dogs Simon Says A Pocket Saviour |
Poetry
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Finite Fidelity
A Love Sonnet Honesty Has No Tact A Monster |
Gaming articles
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