April 29th - Monsters & Free time

I've been thinking about zombies lately. I watched 28 Weeks Later recently and that then prompted me to read World War Z again, which is hands down the best book I've ever read. I heard that they're still in the planning stages of a World War Z movie, and I'm actually not really worried about that. The source material is so strong and well written that even if it's a shitty movie, it'd still be decent by most adaptation standards, and that's saying a lot.

Y'know, it's no small secret that I'm weird, and I almost always have the same thought whenever I close my curtains for the night. "I'm glad I don't have to hide from vampires." I open them up really early, so as a way to prompt me to get up, and I just overall love the sunshine. Ever since I saw the movie I Am Legend, and how he'd try to make it home before sunset every day, it really made me wonder if I could barricade myself in every night.
Hiding from vampires would be so much easier than hiding from zombies, though. Like, that's such an understatement. I don't know if I'd have the fortitude and just overall ideal location to survive a zombie outbreak. For instance, I live in a heavily wooded environment, which would likely obscure many rotting zombies who would still like to bite my ankles and legs.

To show you my situation, I went jogging today in the woods, like I normally do, except this time I brought my shitty camera phone. I was going to bring the digital camera but the battery's dead and I was too impatient to wait while it re-charged.
The picture's are crazy blurry and warped 'cause it was raining and I was running in place so I wouldn't lose steam. I also wasn't taking the photos at eye level, so I kind of hovered them in what I was guessing was the straightest shot. So I apologize for the vertigo.

Interesting fact about that last photo: That's a really shallow pond with those plants growing on the surface.

I'm kind of butthurt right now. Aside from trying to document how proper fucked I'd be in a zombie breakout, EVERY SINGLE DAY this week I've seen something reeking of nature. I saw a BLACK RAT SNAKE, just chilling from the branches, right at my eye height. It literally reminded me of this game called MGS3: Snake Eater. You'd have to watch out when you walked around in the jungle 'cause a lot of snakes would hang from the branches and snap at you, just like this one.
Another time, I saw a Doe (a deer!) that's right, a female deer. She was right beside me and was munching along. She only seemed to notice me whenever I stopped moving, 'cause then her head would snap up and look in my direction.
And ANOTHER time, there were two huge vultures in the woods. They were so big that their full wingspan were easily as wide as I was tall, and it was kind of scary. I only noticed this because they both flew up to a low branch to watch me as I ran by. How typical that I finally remember to bring my camera and nothing goes on. I was so let down. Like I said, though, it was starting to rain and was really cold.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought with this zombie stuff now. I set out to download 28 Days Later, and I did a search for that with the name Cillian Murphy, 'cause he's the main dude, and I ended up finding a movie called Peacock where he likes to dress up as a woman.

April 26th - trying to de-stress

My god. I've had everyone up my ass lately. It's not in the sense that I've done anything wrong, and being chewed out, but just everyone wanting something out of me. It's been bothering me so badly that I'm taking some serious Me time. I bought Neutrogena's Sugar Body Scrub, Biore "Even Smoother" Microderm Exfoliator and the Biore Pore Strips.

I'm pretty awesome. I know.

In addition, I bought a tuna sub from Quiznos today that was literally drowning in mayonnaise and cheese, because I need food to fill the emptiness I feel inside.

Anyway. I recently opened a new bank account 'cause I've been living off the grid and cashing my paychecks like I'm in the witness protection program. I decided to be a functioning member of society, though, and this sparked a complete personality change in my mother.
I know she's hard up for money, especially 'cause she lives with my sister and doesn't work. She was with me at the bank when I signed up and saw how much money I had, and then gave me a list of reasons why and how I owe her money. I'm not a Scrooge with my money, but I really need it right now. I'm 24yrs old, in a shitty job, who's trying to afford an apartment for herself. I give her enough, because I feel really bad and have a bleeding heart, but I wish she'd stand up for herself more.

My mom has the means to get money for herself, which is what infuriates me. My brother has a mental handicap and could have been receiving social security for 27yrs now, but my mom's really weird about releasing information to any kind of authority. Be it police or government. She's stupidly proud and paranoid and her being that way has made it harder on everyone else. It's like she wants to deny that my brother is mentally retarded and needs care.
I don't feel comfortable discussing what my brother has, but his mental handicap means he can't function by himself. He can never live by himself. He can't cook anything that's not a bowl of cereal. He can't move his right arm so he operates like an amputee and just uses his left arm for everything.

So, for all intents and purposes, he can (and should have) been receiving Social Security Disability Insurance. Nowadays it's really fucking hard to get SSDI in the government. Ever since the economy went to the shitter, everyone with a concussion applies for SSDI. I'm not going to knock every case, but I'm extremely bitter, because it makes a real and life long case like my brother be heavily scrutinized.

With this in mind, I printed out any information I could find on how to receieve SSDI. I then made my mom set up an appointment with a doctor that will say yea or nay to my brother's case. When I looked at that government website, I saw that my brother actually suffers from two disorders that'll grant him IMMEDIATE income, which is great to know if he's approved, because it's not just one thing, it's two! Which is bad for him but good if the doctor agrees it's severe enough (which it truly is)
His appointment is tomorrow morning and I really want to go with my mom so she doesn't fuck this up, but I can't. What I'm worried about is that my mom will try to pass him off like he's really okay, because she's embarassed and sensitive about his condition. She's around him so much, babying him, and she doesnt realize the extent of his handicap sometimes.

If this works out, hopefully she'll stop eyeing my bank account. I paid her $300.00 because I'm easily a shmuck to people who beg and poke at me, but my mom just has to learn how to get money, short of whoring herself out. I love my mom but I wouldn't pay for her services. Unless I'm paying her to make me a tuna sandwich.

Another thing that's bugging me is my friend Ray. Yeah, you Ray. I know he reads this, which brings up the old question of censorship. In essence, this IS my journal, so it's not fair to watch what I write because someone I know personally is reading this. I don't want to keep it all inside, though, because then again comes the issue of fairness. It's not like I'm out to hurt his feelings, because I wouldn't say anything rude about Ray. He's too good of a guy and never really does anything wrong, which is annoying. Besides, I'd rather be rude TO him instead of AT him because it's funnier that way.
So, to make my conscious feel better about talking about him, he and I discussed the problem and came around a resolution, so I'm free to discuss it without repercussion. Hopefully.

The main issue is that I rarely get to see him. I live far away from him right now, so we can't see each other every night like we used to. This sucks but life carries on, and since life tends to run in circles, I'm sure we'll go back to seeing each other a lot. Which I am okay about, because I know it'll happen, but it's hard to say that to someone when they really want to see you.
Another thing is that I'm really sad about my money situation and my feelings around that situation are operating on a hair trigger. He's been dogging me about the beach trip, and having enough money to go, but it's really hard to tell him WHY it's difficult for me to keep my money. I have my mom who's in my wallet whenever I see her, and I have bills to pay, with a job that doesn't pay enough right now.

When he asked me once again about the beach trip, giving me an estimate, I was kind of hit with the realization that I most likely can't go. The money for the down payment on the room is kind of trivial right now, 'cause I can afford that, but by the time the trip rolls around I will most likely be broke. At the same time I'm doing the beach trip, I was planning another trip, since it's summer and everyone wants to go on adventures.
I've been trying to plan a get together with Bryan. Yes, shitty old ex-boyfriend Bryan. This will be the last time I see him since he's going to be gone for the next 2-3yrs overseas, and he'll be in town to visit friends and wants to see me and do a trip. I haven't seen Bryan in about a year, but he's the one who came up with the idea and the little trip, so my interest is piqued.

I figured it'd be okay to give the go ahead to it 'cause I knew it'd be a short trip, 3 days max, and it'd be early June. Or so I thought. I was going on the hunch that Ray's beach trip would be late June, possibly July, and I was right. He wants to go June 28th to July 3rd. What I WASN'T planning on was my other plans with Bryan would be from June 25th to June 28th, which will end the same day the beach trip begins.

So my money's stretched really tight at that point. Earlier tonight, I got kind of angry and said FUCK IT to the beach trip, but that's not fair. I do want to go, really really badly. Likewise, I've been thinking about saying "No" to Bryan, but what if I never see him alive again? I'd feel horrible. Almost as horrible as I feel now because it feels like I'm playing favorites, when I'm trying not to. Especially because I kind of wish Bryan would throw a hissy fit and get angry at me so I can cancel these plans easier, but that's a really bad thing to wish for, and kind of a pussy way out.
I just don't like to be pestered and put into a corner, especially when money issues are gnawing away at the soft parts of my brain.

If I can be brutally honest here... I don't know. I should apologize to Ray, but I don't know why I should. I'm trying to stretch myself too thin with these two events, not to mention the fact my friend Paul wants to do something in July. It's not like me to say "no" to somebody, and I feel I was really hasty in saying "no" to Ray earlier, when that wasn't how I really felt. I only said it because I was angry and fed up about my mom, and angry at my situation, because I know in the past I could have done these mini vacations all easy-peasy, but I'm trying to please too many people and it's exhausting.
Which is a huge character flaw I have. Trying to make everyone happy at my expense, until it builds up and I blow up in the process. I've been really good this past year about not letting that happen, and lately I've been trying to figure out why I've been so fucking stressed and unhappy, like it's SOME BIG MYSTERY. I'm just essentially stretching myself out beyond my means, trying to accomodate everyone, and it's not fair to me.
And it's not fair to them that I say "yes" too quickly. On the off chance when I'm being honest and dragging my feet, because I'm trying to figure out how to make something work, it upsets people even more. Because they think I don't want to go, which is what Ray thinks, and it causes fights. Totally not my intention. I'm just trying to put feelers out because I just have too much on my plate.

Blah. People. They tire me out.

April 23rd - Tgif?

My sister dragged me out the door this morning, bright and early, because she wanted to sign up at the local community college. Which is admirable, as she's 34yrs old with little professional education. What's surprising is that I work retail and write about video games, whereas she's worked in medical professions and for the mob. Cue my long suffering mother who was saying I should sign up to, to do something special like web design or counseling, but I'm way too apathetic.

I'll probably change my mind, though. It's not like I'm soul searching, but I can't do retail all my life. And I'm not going to marry a guy just to be stable, which is what my mom is pushing. Granted, my writing career took off for awhile there, but it's not exactly a sustaining route. Believe it or not, I have been writing a novel. Oh yes! I have 70,000 words, but it's a story that I just can't stand behind right now. I've been proof reading and filling in plot holes, but I just don't like spending time on it.

I think I work better writing short stories and commentaries. I noticed that GGS has been quiet for a long time. It's always me or Lyn Potts talking and posting. I thought I'd spice things up by writing something about how Gaming Changed My Life. I've been meaning to do more editorials and personal commentary, but laziness always wins.

Anyway, I'm crazy tired right now. I walked something like 5 miles, just trying to get to point A to point B. I went to the community college as moral support, then my sister and I went shopping, until I begged her that I was on the verge of death if I didn't get something to eat. My sister wanted to go to Adam's Morgan to try out this pizza that was featured on PBS or something for a Pizza Wars segment. It's called Pizza Mart.

The general consensus is saying this is THE best place to eat while drunk, which makes sense. Adam's Morgan is one long row of bars. The thing is, I was dead sober and HUNGRY, and I ate my entire slice really fucking fast. Now, to educate you on what I was dealing with, here's a picture.

This isn't me, by the way. Duh.

So I ate that and then had to walk back to the metro. Y'know that little knot you get in your side after you run too long? I started to develop that, and I THINK it was from the pizza, and it was coming on with a vengeance. I'm not knocking the pizza at all. It was thin, and greasy, and delicious. I had to wrap it up in a burrito and eat it, while looking like the most undignified lady around. But it was the only thing that I had eaten all day, and I ate it way too fast, so it was letting me know that it was chilling in my stomach.

I made it back alive, though. And I decided to up the anty in terms of OTHER unhealthy things that I can consume today, so I made a root beer float. And I totally spelled that as "Root Bear" which would probably be the single most delicious thing ever. Oh hey, did you know that walruses are distantly related to bears? I learned that yesterday from Animal Planet. I love TV!

I also painted my nails.

Gretchen does not approve.

April 22nd - Stealing from kids

I own a PS3 but I only own two actual PS3 games. That's Metal Gear Solid 4 and Bioshock 2. I used to own Heavenly Sword, Lair, Grand Theft Auto 4, and Devil May Cry 4, but I have no idea where they went. I'm sure they were lost to the invisible monster that dwells in boxes after you pack things up to move.
The amazing thing about my PS3 is that I'm able to play PSX games. For those not savvy, that means I can play Final Fantasy 7 and other original Playstation games. I got the PS3 as a Christmas present from Bryan, and I think it was whenever PS3 was released. So I'm wagering I have the 60gig one 'cause it's discontinued and is 100% backwards compatible with PSX. What's interesting is that my PS2 won't play a lot of my PSX games. It makes a horrible grinding noise once I insert the disc, and is stubborn and won't play.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because my niece and nephews always want to borrow my PS3. Being a nice aunt, and also being busy with PC gaming, I lent out the PS3 for MONTHS. Almost a year, in fact. And during that time, they each had a birthday and each of them wanted a video game for their 'borrowed' PS3. The kids acquired quite the PS3 collection of games. They have Modern Warfare 2, Assassin's Creed 2, Killzone, and Call of Duty. REALLY? And here I'm still stuck with my original two games 'cause I'm a cheap bitch and wait years to get something.

I got a sneaky idea, though. I saw my niece collects money regularly from her mom, 'cause my sister hates to carry dollar bills and loose change. She thinks anything less than a ten dollar bill is cheap, so it goes straight into my niece's piggy bank. And my niece is young and brags about the fact she has almost $30.00 in change already.
Today my niece asked if she could borrow the PS3 for the weekend and instead of trying to drag out an excuse about why she couldn't, a little lightbulb went off in my head. I'm more a Scrooge than a Grinch, essentially, and I asked her how much is she willing to pay to borrow it. We haggled a bit over the price, but she eventally left me with 5 gold coins. I feel like such a troll under the bridge right now, especially with this form of payment.

So, I was going to go with my friend Ray and his buddies to a festival of fun in Radford, Virginia. I'm really not sure about the specifics, but I'm guessing it's some kind of music festival held at the university that'll be going on all weekend. I ended up not going because of just the length of time (Thursday to Monday), and because of other outside circumstances that were beyond my control.

I'm not too hard up on feelings, though, so don't cry for me, Argentina. It's not like it was a make or break deal to attend this festival, and my friends have been really great about catching me on the rebound 'cause I'm gonna go bowling and shopping on Saturday. When one door closes another one opens, eh?
I've only been bowling twice, and each time I somehow have AMAZING scores. Especially because I LOOK like I suck. I'm really scrawny and I don't roll the bowling ball right. I literally throw the ball like it was a disc, sideways and all, and apparently it's really funny to watch. I don't know how I'm not too awkward to function sometimes.

And in other news, I recently got CABLE TV for the first time in a year. That's a year without watching ANYTHING, until recently when I discovered Hulu. If you're not American, that site will shun you, just as fair warning. But it does have recent episodes of Modern Family, House, Glee, Arrested Development, and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. That's not to say that I wasn't painfully behind on pop culture and conversations, though for this past year.
I'm so happy about getting cable, but also wary. What should I watch? 500 channels? Isn't that too much? So I'm flipping around, trying to find something familiar, until finally I find MYTHBUSTERS! That show shouldn't fail me, right? Yeah well, in the full year I hadn't watched a spec of TV, I had to find the only re-run of Mythbuster's that I'd already seen. Story of my life.

I know it's boring to read about people's exercises and diets, so you can skip this. It won't hurt my feelings. I'll be looking fabulous, anyway!

It's been almost a month and a half since I started running and exercising every day. I have a 30 minute routine that's pretty chill, 'cause I get lazy and distracted. I have the whole activities down pat, but making a diet for myself really sucks. Everything in the house is junk food, so I have to be creative with dishes. Or else really boring. Some days, I'll just eat steamed vegetables, hating every bite along the way.

I noticed lately that my energy levels have been absolute shit. I'd wake up horribly cranky, tired, and dizzy. No matter if I slept 8 or 10hrs, so there's obviously something going on with my body. I can't go out and buy totally organic and raw foods, but I can't expect fried fish and pizza to be good fuel. My mom shed some light on what could be going on by pointing out the fact that I am probably Anemic.
I'm a girl, who bleeds monthly, and I don't eat red meat. Sounds like I'm a ripe candidate for anemia. I also haven't taken vitamins since they were Flintstones flavored, so my mom bought me this thing called Geritol Tonic.

This shit tastes as bad as it looks. It tastes like prunes and old people. In fact, Geritol is regularly marketed to senior citizens, so I'm kind of offended here. Why can't my mom be normal and recommend me Centrum Silver or something? I've been taking it for four days now but I'm going to stop because I'm experiencing some really bad side effects. Here's the complete list of what to look forward to if Geritol doesn't agree with you.

Geritol (multivitamin with iron) side effects

1. constipation, diarrhea;
2. nausea, vomiting, heartburn;
3. stomach pain, upset stomach;
4. black or dark-colored stools or urine;
5. temporary staining of the teeth;
6. headache; or
7. unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth.

I had numbers 2, 3 and 6. I've had uncomfortable stomach cramps, bloating, and headaches ever since I started taking it. I've also had pains in my chest and consequently my upper shoulders, because the flares of pain were so sharp and intense.
I didn't really connect the dots until I missed a dose yesterday. I felt... normal. Then I take a swig of Geritol today and I'm experiencing everything all over again. So, denizens of the internets, I've been your guinea pig for this mishap expirement. Don't take Geritol. You'll only lose your street cred.

April 18th - Half assin' it

I actually feel guilty because I'm writing way too much. When I first started this site, I would neglect it for weeks at a time, with absolutely no guilt. Shit happens, and I lose interest in things easily. But back then I had a regular routine of World of Warcrafting and work so that took away any kind of recreational time. Nowadays I have shit all to do, so I'm left pondering and writing.

I'm going to just write random things. I don't feel like being coherent tonight. And a stream of conscious-ness is too much work.

1. I downloaded League of Legends but I don't understand why the trailer of in-game footage looks so much better than what I actually played last night.

2. I've been feeling kind of mopey lately due to my blog surfing. Everyone's my age, happily married or with boyfriend and/or babied, with some kind of strong internet career, and it confounds me. It's not like that was a personal goal for myself or anything, but I really didn't see myself at the age of 24, single, and drifting. I am disappoint.

3. In that same vein, though, I have so many 'gentleman callers'. I won't lie, I like the attention, but it is kind of embarrassing. It's like dude's my age smell a single girl and they swarm around me like sharks.

4. Additionally, I'm kind of wary over the fact that if I DO start dating again, most guys will have had a few relationships underneath their belt and will often have that ONE ex-girlfriend that they never forgot about. And, I'm sure that if she ever came back around, I'd lose in that situation. It's happened to me once before and I've heard it's a strong re-occuring thing amongst guys. Fuck.

5. I did not intend for this to be such a pity party.

6. I've gotten into the habit of watching cheesy '80 movies, but then I made the mistake of watching Heathers. Yeah, it's funny and tongue-in-cheek, but it really made me feel weird that they glorified killing people. Also, I think Winona Ryder sounds like she's always trying to hold back a laugh or sob.

7. I really like the fact that I'm sticking to my exercise routine. This shows commitement even though it's really tiresome some days, especially when I'm tempted by pizza and fried chicken fingers. I run every day and I do a half hour routine of these exercises, primarily the Flutter Kick and Hip Extensions while also doing push ups and other arm reps. On my way to becoming a sexy beast!
My only problem is I have a bum knee. I had an accident with my right knee a couple years ago, and it swelled up so badly that I couldn't even take off my pants until the swelling went down. I'm guessing the knee cap or something slid 'cause one day, while limping on it, I heard an audible *click* noise and the pain was gone almost instantly. I never went to a doctor for it, and to this day I can't run that long (I test my limit a lot and it's usually 20mins of jogging) because my knee literally buckles and won't sustain my weight any longer.

8. I found out that I don't tan well. I get burnt and then remain a blotchy sort of tan color afterwards. That's attractive.

9. I started learning morse code after I saw Metallica's video for One when I was a kid. My friend and I had an entire system down and she even got special kind of walkie-talkies from her parents where we could punch in a beep to do morse code.

10. I believe firmly I'm destined to live out of the country, and I think that hour is fast approaching because I'm not getting any younger to do stupid things with my life.

April 17th - The times they are a-changin'

I've done something that I never thought I'd ever do, but maybe I'm over exaggerating again. I never thought I'd ever get piercings after having lived most of my existance without any holes in my ears or belly, and then I went and got my nipples pierced. I also never thought I'd get the "Good Ending" in FFX-2, but I somehow managed to achieve 95% in one single gameplay, and Yuna was able to be with Tidus again. I assure you, I didn't hold back in the little dance and girlish squeals that I gave into when they hugged.

Needless to say, today is a crowning moment in my personal and internet life. 5 years ago -- or hell, even 3 -- I would never show what I actually look like online. I could bullshit you with reasons, like stalkers jacking off over my pics or whatever, but let's face it folks: I was shy. I'm not a conventional beauty, and I don't photograph well, despite the smoking hotness of my profile pic! I'm either caught making a weird face, eyes half open, or else my smile is forced.

Today, though, I decided to face facts. I've had a Facebook with my friends for awhile now and put a few pictures up there, and I gradually got used to just adjusting to how I look in a picture. And in the name of branching out content wise, I created a little photo gallery. And I'm going to brag right now. Ahem! I learned an entirely new CSS script called Lightbox and although it holds your hand and basically does all the work, it was a right bitch to set up. I'm still clueless why the "close" label won't show up, so if any passing strangers have any info, can you please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

My next step will be to start a Flickr account and then my complete assimiliation into an internet stereotype will be done. Oh wait, I first have to get Twitter.

Last night I got home really wasted. I didn't even realize how much I had to drink until I ended up drunk, and I ended up drunk after 7 straight shots of Patron. Advisory: Tequila gets me really rowdy and I'm prone to madness. I spent most of the night flexing and challenging people to 'races' and 'duels'.
This meant going through an obstacle course of sofa cushions and milk crates. The duels consisted of standing back-to-back with any offender of your choice, and you walk 5 paces and then turn and chug your beer. Anybody who lost had to drink twice their amount, which kinda sucked, 'cause I hate beer. Can you tell I lost a lot :(
Tiring of that, I started to dig through my friend's archiac Xbox collection, and I saw he had Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance. That was my shit! I couldn't play too long, though, 'cause my ride wanted to go back home with her boyfriend so they could fuck. Her words, not my assumptions.

So I come home, drunk as a skunk, and I commenced drunk dialing, but nobody would pick up. However, I had a weird mishap this morning. My phone says Bryan called me at 7:28AM, and I remember hearing it through the deep fog of sleep. So I clumsily tried calling back, but he didn't pick up.
Well, Bryan calls me later and asks "Hey, why did you call me at 4AM this morning?" 4AM = 7AM my time, for reference. I told him he called ME, but he says nay, so now I'm really confused why I have a miss call from him? It plainly says he did call, and I don't see my return call to him. Am I going crazy? I'm never drinking tequila again.

Oh, and in really good news that I haven't shared with anyone before, Dave Wood isn't missing! "Who's Dave Wood"? Well, he's Bryan's friend and I've never met him but I really like how "Dave Wood" rolls off the tongue, and he's a chill guy. He uses correct grammar and is witty and I always ask him why he's a Marine. Well, apparently he got tired of the Marine Corps and went AWOL real suddenly. Everyone thought he died. Last they heard he went rock climbing by himself. They even did a search party for him and about a month passed until anyone heard anything.
Yesterday, Bryan called me when he was suddenly like "Hey, there's someone here who wants to talk to you!" so he hands his phone over, and lo and behold, it's Dave Wood! I asked him if he was a ghost, or is he wearing the real Dave Wood's skin, but he confirmed he was the real deal. And he's in a buttload of trouble for his mini-escape, and he's in confinement for awhile.

Today, he's using Bryan's phone to text me and I asked if he and Bryan cuddled last night. He said he 'bent it over and packed it in', presumably into Bryan's ass and, naturally, I said "Pics or it didn't happen". Well, he sent me a picture of my cat Bonanza, which I had sent sometime ago to Bryan 'cause Bonanza had his legs wide open and his ass in the air. Like the hussy he is! But I'm taking it as a confirmation, so brb writing fanfiction about two Marines in solitary confinement.

April 16th - Waxing nostalgic about Ye Internet trends

Today I thought it'd be a neat idea if I went and joined 'a few' fanlistings. If you're not aware, there's this HUGE database called Thefanlistings.org. I've known about it since I was a wee kid, and I even ran a Snatch site a long time ago. Y'know, Snatch? The movie? This was back when there wasn't any fancy shmancy scripts. We had to add each member by hand and catagory! And then we had to alert them personally via email! Both ways, and uphill! I remember I had something like 600+ members, and I thought that it was the epitome of internet stardom right there.
I also ran a "I am Jack's..." clique where you then add your own ending. It was inspired by Fight Club 'cause the narrator would often go "I am Jack's raging bile ducts" in response to some circumstances. I often got a lot of "I am Jack's website" or "I am Jack's pirate hooker" or "I am Jack's complete lack of creativity" from the masses, though. It was a fun site, and I liked it. Nowadays, though, everyone's abandoned those kinds of sites entirely. I was looking at some website directories, and if there even IS a clique option, it's one or two sites. And those sites are just Quilting Bees, which I never got into. Quilting Bee websites are the same as Pokemon to me -- completely foreign and too many things to collect.

With all this being said, though, I kind of threw modesty to the wind and let my geek hang out. If you check out the bottom of the Network page, I went in alphabetical order and joined every gaming fandom that I enjoy. It's almost sickening how much of a ratio Final Fantasy just swallows the rest of those games. I didn't intend for that to happen, but that was the only series that had sites dedicated to either the game or different characters. And even though I shun World of Warcraft right now, I still couldn't resist to show my appreciation to Hippogryphs. Mainly 'cause I was 15 tokens off from the Snowy Hippogryph before I quit. Shaking fist!

Since I'm waxing nostalgic here, I'm going to mourn the death of the WPR. I forget exactly what it stands for, but my educated guess is Website Personal Review because such is life in Moscow. Now, a long time ago, reviewing websites was THE thing to do. Especially if you were a Standards Compliant nazi with absolutely no style sense and who only owned a Wordpress blog. Wow, am I generalizing? They didn't last long for shit, though. The creators of the site would drown in submissions, and sometimes it takes 2-3hrs to write a coherent review and go through someone's website.
I have sympathy because I used to be staff for someone on a reviewing website. We'd have 10-15 people in queue at a time, while we try to do two or three reviews a week, but it was piling up. For reference, here's a really old journal entry that I found in my now dead Livejournal, but it explains the reason for many burn outs amongst lazy bloggers.

June 14, 2007
Been working at (website no longer available) here and there more often. I think I've been getting better at the whole reviewing aspect, as opposed to me just giving it a cursory once-over and then critiquing on some bullshit. I'm proud of myself for my discretion and wanton need to help people to figure out what to do different. In V we trust, amirite? I could see where people would get overwhelmed with review submissions, especially in my hectic daily life, but it hasn't been a problem. I can do about 2-3 a week and be satisfied with the effort that I put forth. I just really wish that people would comment on what I've had to say, or at least even implement what I'm trying to help them with. So far Jack (website no longer available) has, but his review doesn't count because everything he touches turns to gold.
Unfortunately, I think the vast majority of people really are just fishing for compliments, although I haven't had anyone say anything negative thus far. OH, I'M WAITING! I tore a hole into Somewhatsane.org (site no longer available). That chick was offering poorly made websites for a fee. HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

Y'know, I'm aware that you're supposed to learn from the past, but I'm undeterred. I decided to put on one of my many creative hats, and I'm now offering a website reviewing service. I'm sure it will be slow catching on again, but a WPR is just like Porch Monkey. I'm gonna bring it back!
So begins my next problem -- trying to promote my website. I don't run a traditional thing here, obviously. I'm still in stuck 2005 where people actually showcase their writing. Oh, what a whimsical idea! I even shun a commenting system and the like that are supposed to attract people so they can dump their links, thereby providing an opinion and traffic to their blog. Basically, I'm running Vae Victis on personality alone, and word of mouth, which is quite a mean feat. I wonder how I'm doing?

Anyway, here's some real life shenanigans that happened today. It was my day off so I spent most of it working out. I ran a mile and then did pilates while watching Psych 'cause I torrented 4 seasons. Arr! I also thought it'd be a swell idea if I opened up my window a little bit to get some fresh air in, but that also let a HORNET in.

So I'm flailing and rifling through my drawers for a can of Raid. All I had was an air freshner spray, which I figured would piss off the hornet even MORE than it already was. My cat had been trying to hit it and it had stung it in the paw, so I was like OH FUCK OH FUCK! Not for my cat -- it was fine -- more for me. What was I going to do?
I armed myself with a God of War II strategy guide. It had a lot of area surface but it was floppy and unwieldy, and the hornet was stuck behind my curtain. That totally wasn't going to work. In a panic, I went to my neighbor Mr. Bridges, who THANK GOD, was home. He's a really friendly black guy who's helped fix the heat and other things that have gone wrong with the house, since it's not like there's a man living here.
So he brought over Raid and a fly swatter, but I was like "Mr Bridges, that dinky swatter won't work on this Krakken sized hornet". It was a huge bitch! And he commenced to drown it in the poison but this thing crawled ALL the way back UP my window. Twice! Until finally it gave up and died.
Honestly, I felt bad killing it. I tried opening the window and hoping it'd find its way back out, but then my mind was full of even more hornets and nasty things coming into the room, so I nixed that idea. Death would be its only release! But, y'know, killing that hornet gave me an interesting idea.

Let's say for a book or movie idea, the main characters find themselves trapped. Kind of like the movie Cube. And they're tormented by this force that APPEARS to be a maniac and twisted, but you come to find out that the villain is just really scared of the characters and trying to get rid of them. Like how I reacted to the wasp. So when I ran out of options, I just killed it instead. Man, I'm really deep tonight.

April 15th - Bathroom Etiquette

I've been thinking long and hard about the direction of this website. Okay, not really, but I've been trying to figure out what to do to make this website more exciting. I don't really do anything fun to warrant a photo gallery, so that's out. Like hell I'm going to take pictures of the dew drops on flowers. Or tree tops. It's not like I suddenly grew two vaginas or something and will now go soft on you. No offense to you womens who do that! The taking pictures of flowers, not the menstruating every day bit. Oh geez, digging a hole.
What I'm trying to say here is I can't just do a photo gallery. I'm too harsh of a critic. I still offer my writing and all, but I'm going to do either a website review service or a website design thing. Whichever one seems like it'd be more fulfilling.

I read a book called Boneshaker by Cherie Priest lately. I only really bought it 'cause Ray was interested in it, so I wanted to give it a shot. It actually was one of those things where I was like "What, you like it? *SNATCH* MINE!" 'cause that'd look weird if we both bought the same book. But the joke's on me. I was told that there'd be zombies involved.
Basically, the entire book is really long winded with detail and there are absolutely no zombie attacks. In fact, the zombies are called "Rotters". See, it's set in an alternative 'steam punk' universe which I'll explain what that means in a minute.

The alternative reality is Seattle during the Civil War. And this mad scientist dude builds a machine with the purpose to dig for gold, but instead he dug a grave for the entire population of Seattle. Shebang! He hits some kind of natural gas vein deep inside the earth and the result was it turned everyone into zombies. Or Rotters as they're called. Seriously, very disappointed here -- barely any zombie attacks. Nobody died from a zombie. The main villain was a human and at that point I lost interest. Especially when nobody was even fed to the zombies or anything like that.
So, a 'steam punk' is someone that digs gas masks and machinary in a neo-Victorian setting. Or something. Wiki explains it better.

Steampunk is a sub-genre of science fiction and speculative fiction, frequently featuring elements of fantasy, that came into prominence in the 1980s and early 1990s. The term denotes works set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used, usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England, but with prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy

With that being said, Boneshaker really captures Steam Punk but it's really boring. I like to think I'm imaginative and can create an image in my head, but Cherie Priest's way of writing is like trying to decode a math problem. And the type of problems where it's all words and no numbers. I was told there'd be no maths! And more zombies!
I think I'm just put off 'cause it seems like she tried too hard to fit into a steam punk genre.

Anyway, as par the usual course, I'm going to give a brief list of music and whatever that I was listening to whilst making this new layout. You can read it on the networking page. I'm only linking this page because I'm going to brag -- check out that HOT table at the bottom of that page! That's right, folks: I figured out how to create a table. Apparently I learned backwards, and I went straight for CSS and DIV layers since I couldn't grasp how to do a table, which is apparently the easiest format. To this day I'm still kinda clueless, which is why I'm limiting it to something tiny. I think I was only able to create one 'cause of some magical reaction, like if I stuck my hand into a tub of eels right when lightning shocked me.

I've also been watching Arrested Development which has been giving me crazy ADD. So now is the time to apologize for any incoherence because I'm not drunk -- I'm just distracted by Tobias' hair plugs.

So, I was lurking on this comment board after I watched an interview between Craig Ferguson and Charlyne Yi that made me really self conscious. Everyone was being catty and saying how AWKWARD and YOUNG she looked, when she's 24. While I'm in my chair coughing and being uncomfortable, because I'm 24 and often described as awkward and shy. If you watch the interview, Craig doesn't really lead with questions or anything. He talks like an actual conversation, sorta, which can lead to some really weird pauses and awkward moments, justifiably. Now, I assure you that I'm not Asian and I have a chin, though. So I'm not nearly as awkward as Charlyne, but it's still really uncomfortable to wonder if this is how people see me.
I need to figure out how to become cool. Should I juggle pirhanna? Or build a jet pack? Or start smoking? I don't know what to do!

April 9th - Baby Crazy

For some reason, I've been wanting to watch this movie called Grace ever since I first heard about it last year. The basic plot is how a pregnant woman ends up in a car accident with her husband while she's 7-8 months pregnant, and he and the baby end up dying. The mom is really stubborn about delivering the stillborn baby, and basically rejects modern healthcare altogether. So she gives birth to the dead baby with the help of a mid-wife, but lo and behold, the baby lives! And it hungers for BLOOD!

As I'm watching this movie, I'm just shaking my head the entire time. I knew it was going to be stupid as shit, because the only badass demon baby out there is Rosemary's Baby, but I'm really regretting my decision here. The young mom is stupid as shit. She's isolating herself from everyone, and outright rejects going to the hospital even after she delivered the dead baby, or when zombie baby starts to CRAVE HER FLESH!
The lead character is so boring and I can't even get into this. She's stupid and too organic and apathetic about losing her husband and friends. You can tell this 'cause of her blank stare and the fact she doesn't brush her hair. This movie is all sorts of weird.

Right now, I'm watching a scene where the mother in law is massaging her boobs, and there's some un-sexy middle aged couple sex going on, but then she whips out her breast and forces her husband to act like he's breast feeding. WHAT THE FUCK! And now she's being stalked by the midwife who has some kind of lesbian obsession with her.

This movie is so fucked up, I'm not even kidding. It's like I'm reading into so many weird meanings, and all of it points to how fucked up women are. Firstly, the young mom is in outright denial about her demon baby and the fact it's killing her. Just 'cause she wants a kid SO BAD! OH GOD! And then with this breast feeding thing, especially when the mother-in-law is trying to pretend to lactate and have her husband suck on her titty 'cause she enjoys the stimulation. I read on Wikipedia how it's a form of erotica and lactating women is a 'niche' in porn.

I really hope a google search for 'lactate porn' doesn't bring people to my website. How embarrassing.

Another thing is the weird subliminal messages that come from the fact she always has a TV on, and the camera cuts to it often. It shows really graphic images of animals being slaughtered or cut open, either for food or surgery purposes. The thing is, the young mom with the zombie baby is really stubborn about living an organic lifestyle, and she doesn't eat meat or allow medicine or hospitals. She does homeopathic remedies, and Google's ways to boost her immune system once she starts to go anemic due to FEEDING THE BABY HER BLOOD!

Y'know, I went to visit my baby nephew and I was kind of baby crazy after that. He's really adorable and smart and sweet! He just started to learn how to walk and I was playing with him and his toys, when he actually stopped and got this really weird look on his face. Like, as if he was thinking about something. He then walked over to me and wanted me to hug him while he played with the buttons on my shirt. Needless to say, my ovaries burst.
So, taking a leap here, I can understand the mindset that this crazy young mom is doing anything to keep her demon baby. But I always seem to experience the opposite mindset in women. My sister has had three kids and she wanted nothing to do with them once they vacated her vagina. I know when my little nephew was born, to my sister-in-law this time, she had post partum depression and I still think she sorta does. Or else she's a sour puss. But honest to god, nothing her little son does seemed to thrill her, and she wasn't very boasting and acted really indifferent and cold when I was there.

Now me, I'm a weirdo and talk proudly about the cute and funny things my cats or dog do. Every single time I'm with someone; I'm that obnoxious parent. Sorry! So I know if I ever shit out a kid, so to speak, I'm going to be bragging and patting myself on the back, because my kid will totally be amazing and do cute things. And they'll have a cool hair cut.

So it seems the movie has spared me because it stopped working just at the climax of the film. I'm going to guess that she keeps the baby and runs away and does a Thelma & Louise with the lesbian midwife, all while carving out pieces of flesh in the name of nutrience.

So, last night I went out with Ray's friends to their regular Thursday night haunt of a bar called The Flying Fish, which is a karoake bar in Old Town. Normally when I hang out with Ray it's, seriously, twice a month. If that. So we're usually solo. And I haven't seen any of his friends since... oh... maybe two years ago, at a Christmas party. So that means I don't remember them that well.

Well, needless to say, I became the worst person that I hate but feel bad for in a social situation: I was 'Just there'. Not necessarily the Wallflower, but pretty damn close. I didn't know who to talk to, mainly 'cause everyone was moving around so fast and not standing still, and I wasn't aiming to get drunk, to therefore make it easier. I didn't want to stick to Ray because I wasn't going to be clingy. So I just sat there, bored, with nobody to talk to, while I became increasingly aware that I wasn't being very fun.

But shit, I don't mind talking to complete strangers. I am not very self conscious, as can be evidenced by an open blog to the internets. I just hate talking to people in a loud bar, when they're already wasted, and I'm staying sober. It's weird how everything happened. I'd go with Paul or Bryan to their bar hoppings and I didn't mind one bit talking to any of their friends, but I think it's 'cause those guys always kept a conversation going on and they'd stick by me and introduce me and almost kind of make me start topics or include me in their stories which isn't what happened last night.
It was just weird. Maybe my friends roll different, but we don't usually wander around once we get to a bar, unless we see someone we know. And we don't do Karaoke bars unless it's for a special occasion. I go to The Mug a lot and it has an open patio, weather permitting, and we usually just chill outside and smoke and drink and talk. Just a really different atmosphere from what I'm used to, I guess. Shit happens.

April 4th - Being Told Who I Am

My mom is really into Numerology and Astrology, so it makes sense that she's also into Keirsey reports. If you're not familiar with that, it's a ranking system that figures out your personality type and how it deals with your relationships. She purchased some for the family, and I thought I'd share mine 'cause it's kind of interesting. I normally don't enjoy reading a personality spread sheet that wasn't written BY the actual person, instead this is FOR me, but sometimes an outside opinion is the right one.
I emphasized the parts that I felt were really spot on about me. Because this entire thing is horribly accurate, there's going to be a lot of emphasize. So I'm sure it'll look silly.

INFJ (Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling) >> The PROTECTOR

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it.

Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident.

This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone.

They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments.

They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

INFJ Relationships

INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.

INFJ Strengths

Warm and affirming by nature
Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
Usually have good communication skills, especially written
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Good listeners
Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

INFJ Weaknesses

Tendency to hold back part of themselves
Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

INFJs as Lovers

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before."
-- Rollo May

INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFJ's natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP. INFJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition.

INFJs as Parents

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable."
-- Kahlil Gibran

INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren't met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.

INFJs as Friends

Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socialing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt<. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. Genuine article that they are.

April 2nd - Internet Mongerings

I'll have you know that I made sure to say "rabbit, rabbit" at midnight. Last month I didn't, and it was a disaster. Thomas almost died, I lost all of my money, my sister had a meltdown and almost ruined the family, and I lost every creative fiber in my body 'cause I was so stressed. I even quit World of Warcraft! THE HORRORS OF MARCH!
This month will be kicking sweet, though. I found so many of my old friends. Like, seriously, from way back when I was 14yrs old kinda friends. One in particular is important because I reconnected with my old friend Michael who is also an old love of mine and a guy who was my muse for several years, but I digress. Now we're just friends and I'm glad I'm talking to him 'cause it's made me feel a lot better. We ended on extremely horrible terms last year and I didn't realize how badly I was affected by it until we talked again. He's actually the one who reminded me to say "rabbit, rabbit" 'cause he txt'd me right at midnight, which prompted me to say it right then. I honestly would have forgotten it until later in the day when I realized it was the 1st.

It's a Friday night and I'm being a lame person and staying in tonight. To be honest, I'm kind of tired of doing the same thing every weekend. Eat, watch a movie, drink. I know it's all about the people and the shenanigans that ensue, but maybe it's just my friends that are kind of a pain. Most are miserable 'cause there must be something in the air since everyone's breaking up.
Now, me, I got nothing to worry about. The biggest pain in my ass right now is that I'm trying to generate traffic to GGS through a gossip website called Oh No They Didn't but every post has to be pre-approved by an actual person. And sometimes these people are rude bitches, as what happens when people go on the internet. This hasn't happened to me (yet), but I already had one rejection on something.

See, I'm trying -- oh wait, nevermind. Here's what I was trying to post and it looks like it got approved finally! Wait no, nevermind. Someone took it down again 'cause it wasn't relevent to their interests. Goddamn, can't win. Well, I posted it at girl_gamers so maybe someone'll be interested in Resident Evil: Afterlife screen captures. I got the images from Capcom 'cause I'm a member of the press and can see such juicy tidbits before you mere mortals, but I will say they're not very exciting. Just shots of Milla Jovovich all wet and pissed off. Actually, that is kind of exciting.

Y'know, I know this might be TMI but this is my journal and I can blog if I want to, and so I'm gonna share a really weird dream that I had the other night.

I forget how the dream started, as tends to happen with dreams. I do remember at one point I had the option to make out with a girl. So, I did. And it was kind of funny 'cause she did this really awkward thing that stuck with me even when I woke up. She was trying to be flirty and, since she knew it was my first time with a girl, she offered that she'd only do certain things to me for 6 seconds so I can see if I like it. She then proceeded to, no shit, MACHINE GUN KISS MY FACE. That's the most accurate description I can make. She puckered up and basically woodpeckered my face six times.
I was so shocked but I wanted to be polite so I ignored it and we kissed but, seriously... even the subconscious me was thinking how this just didn't do anything for me. I like guys too much. I like how they look, and how they smell (even on their bad days, yo), and I like how guys feel. Sorry to break it to you, secret lesbian admirers of mine, but I prefer the cock.
The makeout kind of just disappeared as I went into another dream but I did remember it when I woke up. I wondered what kind of signal my brain was trying to send to me. It was probably "Get a guy."

Sometimes I wonder if I should do web design professionally. I have kind of a hero crush on this girl that got a job with a weather channel in her city. She does their website and she has an english degree! Definitely lifts my spirits because I always feel kind of held back about choices in degrees. I really enjoy designing and can pick up on things pretty fast, although I'm a fossil because I still hand code in Notepad. I can feel the collective cringe in my direction if you're someone who knows better than to use Notepad, but I don't know what else to use! I code my CSS and PHP by hand, AND I'm standards compliant. I think I deserve a butt slap.